My Little Sister Becomes a Mom

I was blessed to be a witness as my little sister became a mother. Words can’t describe how special and beautiful it was to see my sister work so hard to bring her baby into the world. Birth can be full of surprises and this birth definitely challenged us all.

My sister is an event planner in Chicago. She makes sure everyone and everything is on task, I didn’t realize this would come into her birth too.  She is a modern woman who goes to the Dr when she is sick and uses conventional meds when they are recommended. I mention this because pregnant with her first child she wanted none of that.

She sought care in Chicago, and after a lot of shopping around for a provider (one who’s first question was when do you want to schedule your c-section?) she finally found a midwife that checked most the boxes, but she felt unsettled having her baby in Chicago.

After a lot of talking she asked, “Can I have the baby on the farm with you?” We talked about what a free birth was and it was decided.  If baby P waited until after 39 weeks she would fly to Idaho and free birth her baby on the farm with me as her doula. Everyone thought she was crazy, everyone thought we were crazy.

At 39 weeks she flew to the farm and we had the pleasure of feeding and nurturing her and her partner while we waited for baby. My sister ate healing nutrient dense foods.  She slept for the first time in months. It was a really special and beautiful time.

“What does it feel like?”

“You keep asking me how it feels.  It feels intense and so powerful almost too powerful at times. There is a place that feels impossible, but once you step into that you meet your baby and feel like the most powerful person in the world. It’s such an ordinary thing, happening all over the world all the time, but also the most extraordinary thing. You instantly feel connected to women everywhere and even some from the past. It’s the hardest, realest thing you can do in this life. It’s the most primal and wild I have ever been. The pain melts away our rational thinking mind so that we can become primal and instinctual. You will know exactly what your body needs. We will be there to support you as little or as much as you want. I will not enter your field without your request.  With Eloise I was a wolf, literally howling with my head out of the car. I felt like I had been transformed.

Some women are loud roaring their babies out. Some women are silent, I went to a birth and you would have no idea she was giving birth. “Ouch that ring of fire” is all she said. Some women are in between.

It’s a dance when your body, finding your personal rhythm helps. It’s all about listening to your body. Move when it says move, stop when it says stop. There is nothing anyone can do or say to help you, because you don’t need to be saved or helped. There aren’t words to describe the vastness that is birth and motherhood.

I have healed so much with these kids, realizing the tender bits that needed more love as a child. When I fill those places in my children it fills those places in me. It’s a chance to end generational curses so that our kids can be better than us. Oh my gosh it’s all just amazing and I’m so excited for you.”

40 weeks came and went. Close to 41 weeks prodromal labor started. 4 long days of hard contractions that would just stop. We did all the things positioning things, 3 sisters, the roll over, long walks, lots of rest, she even went swimming. Every evening they would start, get stronger and then around midnight just stop.

Labor started after dinner on 3/18. Amy labored hard and strong all night long. Throughout the night “she’s stuck” kept being verbalized. When asked what she needed to get unstuck no direction came. In the tub, on the toilet, on the ground, in the bed. She labored everywhere. She labored so beautifully. Throughout the labor she wanted confirmation that she was on track to a baby, wanted to know when baby was coming, wanted to know how much longer. All moms want to know this, but for Amy it was deeper. She felt pressured to get her baby out as quickly as possible. It’s funny how our way of living can come into our birth.

She started pushing and we were all so ready and excited. After about an hour she announces that baby is stuck again. “How do you get her unstuck?” “I don’t think I can.” She decided she wanted to go to the hospital.

At the hospital we found she was 9.5 centimeters, but it would be another 8.5 hours before we met this sweet little one.

Comfy with an epidural mom and dad got some much needed rest. We used the peanut ball to position mom and help baby unstuck herself.

The staff was nice at first and the Dr said he had no issues with mom and dad catching their baby. We found out as baby was almost in this world that he didn’t understand our request.

After a long fight to get them to turn the epidural down Amy feels powerful again and moves all over the bed to birth her baby. The nurse got really nervous as Amy got herself into a kneeling position at the end of the bed. She was comfortable but in control of her body, the best epidural just like the anesthesia had promised me.

As Amy was pushing and working so hard to meet her daughter a battle took place at the bedside. Amy and Tucker had been clear, direct, and honest, the staff had said yes to everything. Now moments from the birth staff member after staff member comes in and is attempting to talk them out of their plan.

Amy clearly states that the Dr did not have permission to touch her or her baby. The Dr comes unglued at us. “What credentials do you have to deliver this baby?” “Well she made it and he put it in there so…” I responded. “I can not let you deliver your baby.” “You came here for help and we got you to this point.” I couldn’t be quiet. “They are catching their baby, not delivering it. We came here for a nap, and Amy got herself here. Her body did this not you!”

The room was tense and hostile. They go on and on about the risks, they state over and over again that it will be impossible for Amy to catch her own baby. Amy and Tucker agreed that if there is an emergency the staff could help. It’s not enough, they want to be first hands on this baby.  I’m sitting on the end of the bed providing warm compress. My body is a human shield preventing any unwanted touch. No one ever asked me to move, not that I would have.

Tucker stood up tall, strong, kind, and respectful as he reiterated their plan. “The way you are speaking to us is inappropriate.” It was so beautiful to watch my brother in love become the guardian his little family needed. He was kind, firm, and direct, exactly what we needed. As tension rose he asked the Dr to take the conversation to the hallway, trying to protect his love from the hostile anxious energy. I was so proud of him, but Amy did not want him to leave her side. His voice changed the energy in the room.

“The heartbeat is low. You need to deliver her with the next contraction.” It’s all Amy needed to hear and she brings her baby earth side catching her daughter and pulling her close. The nurse begins to talk and I shhh her. Mom, dad, and baby have a peaceful, quiet and glorious introduction. The room is silent in quiet reverence of this sacred moment and it’s absolutely perfect. It was the moment Amy had wanted, and the moment she had nightmares about.  She didn’t want strangers rubbing down and talking to her new baby, she didn’t want gloved strangers touching her private places in these vulnerable moments.  A fresh and perfect baby on her chest, all that they wanted was peace and quiet when they met their daughter and they got it. Her baby needed a little coaxing to cry, and her mother knew just what to do. Patting her back and rubbing fluid from her face. She didn’t need any of us. She is mom and she knew exactly what her daughter needed.

I wish I had a picture of all of us. Mom, dad and baby falling deeply in love. Getting to know their new baby in their own time, with no outside noise. A nurse stands to the left behind Tucker gloves on silently watching. a nurse stands to the right of the bed gloves on silently watching. A sister is at the end of the bed excitedly watching and taking pictures, a Dr fully dressed for delivery stands behind me silently watching. It was such a powerful moment and proof that even in the hospital we can respect families and give this sacred moment the pause it deserves.

I hope she remembers those moments of clarity as she stood in her power and stood up for what she wanted. She owned her yes and no, she didn’t let outside influence and fear distract her.  She caught her own baby in the hospital with an epidural!!! It’s my new favorite hospital birth story.  The easy going, sometimes passive, “that’s fine” “I don’t care” maiden was gone. As mother she was kind but direct owning that her needs mattered, owning that she mattered. It was beautiful to witness.

Birth work is hard, my own mind fills with what ifs, but my sister got the birth she wanted. Not the way she wanted it, but that’s life sometimes. I’m an auntie again, I will look back on these days with complete joy, my heart is full.